Naomi the Wordsmith

This didn’t happen on X. I’m surprised too, with the cesspit that social media site has become.

It was on Reddit.

I’ve forgotten what the original conversation was about. But at some point I share that I’m disabled and unable to work due to my health conditions.

And that’s when they said that I’m a useless eater, only ever consuming resources from society, never contributing, and that if I want to feel useful for society, the best thing I could do is to kill my worthless self.

I’ve always struggled with depression. Sometimes it’s bad, sometimes it’s really mild.

One of the symptoms of depression I really struggle with is poor self-esteem. I very easily slip into thought patterns like, “I’m not doing enough,” “I should be achieving more,” “I’m ugly,” “I’m worthless,” “maybe my pain isn’t really as bad as it feels and as the doctors say it is, maybe it’s that I’m fine and making a big deal out of nothing and should be more productive.”

These thoughts can become a kind of infinite spiral. It takes a lot of work to break the cycle and be kind to myself, even on days when my depression is well managed.

My constant drive to do more has its good sides and its bad sides. It’s meant I’ve achieved a lot of things because I’m determined to do so. But it’s also become a whip to lash myself with, again and again.

And on the days like yesterday, when I’m in so much pain I’m lying still in bed because even turning my head is agony, when all I can do is cry and wait for it to get better, when no one would work through pain like that, I still berate myself for “not doing anything”.

The way I counter this negative spiral of self-hate, is to remind myself that feelings are not facts. That although I might feel worthless, I am in fact worth-full, that I do have a lot of value to society.

The thing that was hard about reading that comment on Reddit was it felt like proof that actually my self-hate was accurate and society does think I’m worthless.

And although logging off Reddit for a bit was definitely the right thing to do, to get some space to clear my head, it also meant I missed seeing the response.

The person who said such hateful words to me was banned from the sub. Before they were banned, they got a lot of downvotes. And I had so many comments and messages in support of me, saying that what they’d said was disgusting, it wasn’t true, that I have a lot of value, and they hope I’m okay.

Taking that into account gives me a lot more perspective. Yeah, there’s a small subsection of society that would agree with the jerk who carried such hate towards people like me. But that is not what most people think.

In the days after reading that person’s words, and before seeing the flood of support, I really struggled.

Especially with the disability welfare debate that’s going on in the UK. More people in the UK are getting sicker and claiming benefits, and there’s different points of view on how to deal with that, and one of them is to make the criteria stricter and deny a lot of disabled people like me.

The rhetoric about how disabled people have a duty to work, that people are exaggerating their symptoms to live an easier, more luxurious life, that disabled people are taking more resources than is fair, that disabled people are benefits cheats, fakers, subjects of scorn – it’s relentless in the news and in the comments under articles.

Sometimes, it makes me feel like I have to justify myself, my health conditions and my lifestyle a bit.

Yeah, I spend a lot of time in bed. That’s because my pain is sometimes so bad I can’t move, like it was yesterday. And lying down helps.

Yeah, I sometimes spend hours playing video games. But that’s because the multi-sensory immersive experience distracts me from the pain. There’s been quite a lot of medical studies showing my anecdotal experience might have some scientific data backing it up.

Here’s one example: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3052404/

And yeah, I’m claiming disability benefits while not being in work or education. That’s because I’m currently not well enough for it.

I’m taking a year out from my university degree to recover. And I don’t think many companies would want to hire someone whose health conditions causes severe pain that lasts for weeks. It’s fair enough they’d want an employee that can come in.

And PIP, the benefit I’m claiming, is not an out of work benefit. It’s to support the independence of disabled people, accounting for the higher costs of living associated with having a disability. It covers stuff like my wheelchair or the extra electricity costs from charging my wheelchair or operating my hospital bed. Or even stuff like having to find non-dairy alternatives due to my life threatening milk allergy.

I think the problem with rhetoric like “benefit scroungers” or “illness fakers” is that it makes ordinary people suspicious. And unless you’re medically trained or are unlucky enough to have a hidden disability or a visible disability when people think “you’re too young”, most people aren’t very good at spotting the few fakers from the sea of genuine people with disabilities.

The thing is, unless you’re actually living someone’s life, you don’t know what challenges they’re having to deal with. Even if you’re a bit of a sceptic about what someone’s saying (I’ve felt this too), it’s best to treat people with kindness.

Because what if the person you’re shouting at who seems fine coming out of the disabled toilet, what if they have a stoma? Things aren’t always obvious.

I once had a conversation with a radio host about this issue. And he said something that’s stayed with me since – “I think compassion is a good trait to live by.”

Society could do with a bit more compassion.

So why has being called worthless improved my self esteem? (After a few rough days).

Because its made me think about all the ways I’m worth-full.

There’s more to contributing to society than being in work.

There’s bringing joy to people’s lives.

There’s making art, writing and music.

There’s learning new things that broaden your perspective.

There’s the time I was one of the winners in an art competition when I was 10. The prize was having my picture I painted in a school lesson displayed in a conference room in GCHQ, this UK base where they discuss matters of national intelligence. My painting showed the spy satellite dishes having a crazy sci-fi signal shining between them, goofy lightning lighting up the sky. And it’s always made me laugh to think of the likes of James Bond and Q talking spy stuff with my wacky picture in the background.

There’s the times my patient advocacy has made people cry for feeling seen, and part of a community. Because they’re no longer alone. And there’s times I’ve done speeches to audiences full of doctors. Once a doctor came to me and said that he was going to change the way he interacted with patients to be more compassionate because of what I’d said.

That’s a big contribution to society, that couldn’t have happened if I wasn’t disabled, because I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do that speech.

And the time my explanation of how subtitles help deaf people learn caused my university to change their policy to go beyond the bare minimum required in law to be as accessible as they could. Because they want to help people learn and be the best university for deaf people in the UK.

But I think there’s also the fact that, even if I’d achieved none of these things, I’d still be worth-full. Because I’m a human being and every person matters.

I want to end by thanking you, my reader.

Because you helped me feel better and bounce back from that one jerk’s cruelty.

It’s easy for bloggers and content creators to fixate too much on how big their audience is and focus on growing, growing, growing. So a lot of people would see my 40 subscribers and think “oh, that’s only 40 subscribers, though”.

But that’s not the way to look at it.

40 people is a lot of people! I couldn’t fit 40 people into my room. Even our house would be stuffed to overflowing. People poking out of the windows saying “can someone build an extension please”.

Most of my readers are people I don’t know in real life. And you’re all over the world. And you’ve made room in your inbox for little old me and my ramblings.

That’s so humbling and flattering at the same time. I didn’t know you could feel like that until I started feeling like that.

I’ve always felt like there’s two definitions to being a writer and they’re not incompatible with each other at all.

You’re a writer if you write.

And you’re a writer if you have an audience. Even if that audience is just you.

After nearly a year of writing in this blog, I’ve really gained in confidence.

So thank you, you in particular, the individual reader reading this. Thank you for making space in your inbox for me. Thank you for liking. Thank you for commenting. Sharing. And subscribing.

And thank you for reading my ramblings.